Food Glorious Food

A friend of mine is in London and he texted me he was doing his best Oliver Twist impression which then of course got the song " Food Glorious Food" stuck in my head. Good times. Food though has been all around and a hot topic lately. It's the holidays so snacks, treats, and baked goods are going to suddenly be everywhere. Truth be told I haven't found it too bad. I have been switching my focus in terms of food.

I went to a reading of Lucky Peach last week, holy awesome! This is Chef David Chang's magazine, and he and his editor in chief Peter Meehan were there, along with BD Wong moderating, Mario Batali reading, David Cross, and others. It was really, really, great. Everyone read so well, and the stories were so interesting and being able to unapologetically surround yourself with essentially food erotica was cool. It did occur to me how a few years ago I wouldn't have done that because, 1. it would have been triggering, and 2. I did the classic deny how much you like food because I am overweight deflection technique. I felt very grateful for the moves my relationship with food has taken that night.


I've been scaling back the gluten big time. I'm not jumping on the gluten free bandwagon, or doing it to lose weight. I'm doing it because when I eat a lot of wheat, I end up looking 5 months pregnant and having crazy gas pains. Gas pains, seksi I know. I feel a lot better and don't look pregnant with wheat child after 3 weeks of wheat scale back. I also got a coupon code to this organic meal delivery I've been doing and it's gluten free and vegan. I didn't actually know about the vegan part (read more closely anna) and for the most part it's been awesome. The breakfasts make me LOSE MY MIND, they are so delicious and different. Chia and quinoa coconut and mango bake anyone? Yes, please. The lunches are good, I have learned I need to supplement them with something in order to really be full. At first I tried out testing my hunger to see if I was truly hungry or was I just thinking I was hungry because this isn't what I usually eat. Nope, I am/was hungry. Now I throw in a soup, or some grilled chicken, to beef (hehee) up my meals.

Now in weight news I've been challenging myself to reframe things. I'd been challenged lately with lots of negative thoughts. Lots of I'm so fat, I look so fat in this, she's so thin, blah blah blah. I am so over this dialogue I could scream. So I challenged myself to both shoot down the thoughts, and reframe them, I look so fat in this becomes I'm not comfortable in this outfit, she's so thin, becomes she looks healthy and happy and that does not take away from me. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. I also made myself think about what does the weight thought do for me? It must serve me somehow to still be around. It distracts me from my life. In removing some of the weight chatter I have been able to focus on some other things, namely my trip to Australia in NINE days and my career. I need a career refresh and I found someone to help me revamp my resume. It's been challenging and exciting working with him.

Am I the only one who feels like 2013 has been sorta a throw away year? Aside from my Australian adventure what a snooze. I've had a lot of fun but ultimately feel like I coasted. Coasting can be helpful sometimes you just need to coast in order to maintain, but I feel like 2014 I'm ready to climb again. We'll see. One day at a time, one less gluten filled treat at a time, and if you like me forgot how delicious White Russians are reacquaint yourself and stay cozy for 2014's arrival.

Swing This Way Swing That Way

The last two weeks have had some up's and down's. The problems were mostly in my head which sucks. The good thing is talking about it, reaching out to the peeps around me, and challenging my thoughts has been working.

So what was going on, I just felt super negative. I felt very body dysmorphic feeling "enormous" and "fat" and it happened swiftly and overnight. I was majorly comparing myself to other people, very jealous of anyone thinner then me, or achieving their own goals. This came on really quickly and out of nowhere. 

I brought it up with my nutritionist and she gave me a really helpful and calming explanation. She explained, because I'm under stress at work, and in my personal life, I have a lot of emotions surfacing, which I am managing in a healthy way but when we're emotional we can feel burdened and heavy, this in turn for someone with a history of disordered eating can make them feel physically heavy and body dysmorphic. A ha! There was a lot of truth in this for me. It also helped me when I felt clouded by negative thoughts to decipher what was real and what was not and how to address either. 

Another thing I did that was super helpful was increased my self care. I've been taking these detox baths because my skin was freaking out because of winter creeping in. HUGELY suggest it. 1 cup epsom salts or dead sea minerals, 1 cup baking soda, essential oils if you want, and fresh ginger if you can be bothered. I cannot. Soak in that for 15 minutes, I follow up with AmLactin lotion to help keep the flaky skin away. Do not use this on legs you have just shaved unless you want to contemplate dying. My skin feels pretty dreamy with this combo and my mood's improved. Epsom salts I found out are also mood improving so there's that to.

To try to keep swaying things back to the healthy side and less the self loathe-y I concentrated on staying on top of my self care, not comparing myself to others, and boosting my cardio as I've been in a rut and bored. I do feel a lot better. Far calmer, and more grounded. Feeling present is a day to day thing, and that's cool. For me the only way to be balanced is not fight and accept that I swing between extremes. I feel awesome, or I feel awful. When I swing one way or another I have to go what's up and then I can meet in the middle. Self acceptance for the win! And epsom salts, definitely epsom salts win.

So much living too little sleeping

Straight up I am just not sure what to talk about lately. I have all these things I want to write about and then I get overwhelmed and tired.  Life's been busy. Great busy, but I'm tired. Kinda the story of life right? What have I been doing, well why I would tell you when I can do a list!
I L-O-V-E a list.



1. I booked a trip to Australia! Biggest news in my life for realz right now. I'm only going for a week which peeps keep giving me flack for but whatever, I AM GOING TO AUSTRALIA which I yell like a kid with poor voice modulation at least once a day.


2. Okay, I caved and like I predicted have lost my life to Breaking Bad. In two weeks I am up to Season 5. I feel like I am finally part of the club.

3. Sweet potato ice cream with marshmallows. It's amazing and horrible this exists. I want it all the time. GET INTO MY FACE.


4. Basketball is back and in an attempt to better self regulate and self care I am only attending one game a week. Season opener I got home at 4am. This is going to be tricky.

5. Struggling with body image lately. For no reason at all I just feel really self conscious and big. Staying positive minded is tough and a day to day thing I try to remind myself.

6. Reading The Interestings, highly suggest it. So good.


7. Making these, but I generally ditch the bread because I am lazy about buying baguettes.

8. Spending lots and lots and lots of time with my girlfriends lately which has been the bees knees. Aurora and I worked out with Jesse last Saturday, got brunch after and then went shopping. Best Saturday ever. A bunch of us hung out to cheer a friend in the marathon on which was super cool. It was also super cool seeing 46,000 different people running a marathon. No two marathoners were truly a like. Very inspiring.

9. Saying no to things I do not want to do. Not getting the guilts and not being a martyr. Sometimes you just don't want to do something.

10. Trying to figure out how to open myself up more to dudes ( I know, I know this is not new information) and not automatically make guys friends to avoid rejection. I need some risk and rejection in my life.


What's everyone up to? Loving fall? Already in winter? Does everyone love the embellished sweatshirt trend like I do? Seriously...it's a problem.

Crazy Ideas

I've been losing weight steadily for about 12 weeks now. My weight has either maintained or been down. Some weeks by a few pounds, others by a half, but the direction has been the same. What have I been doing? Well.....I've been listening to the people that I have entrusted to help me. I have been humble and open. Happily this is paying off.

Jesse and I did measurements yesterday and I am down an overall 11.75 inches. Almost a foot has left my body in the past month. Granted, I have been super sick for the past two weeks so I am not totally myself, but while I was happy it did not change how I felt about myself.

This losing streak has not really played into how I value myself. I do hope it continues but some of what I have been doing is the below and for right now, in this lovely little moment it's working for me.


Current Body Plan:

1. Working out because it feels good to move my body, feel strong, and sweat.

2. Eating what I want and not being afraid of food. Reminding myself I can have whatever I want        whenever I want.

3. Not beating myself up or judging behaviors. Accepting my nature and behaviors to better work with     myself and not against.

4. Staying mindful and present for better self care and awareness.

5. Taking care of myself, and thinking about what do I need? What is healthy for me?


The better care of myself I take the less desire I have to manage my life, and feelings whatever you want to label it as with unhealthy behavior with food. It's not always the sexiest of work but it does feel rewarding for hot second.

Katy's Miracle Marathon Journey

I love, love, love when people email me. I really do. I especially like when readers let me know who they are. It seriously gets boring only talking about yourself. Anyways, Katy who has commented in the past sent me the below email. I think what she's doing is awesome and I am happy to help spread the word. Hopefully some people can help and encourage her.

In Katy's own words:

I am emailing you to share some information regarding a fundraiser that I am doing for the Children's Miracle Network. Please feel free to disregard this email if you find it inappropriate. I am just trying to find a way to reach as many people as possible as this is a great fundraiser for kids and is very close to my heart. I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable sharing this information, but just in case I have listed the information below. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this!

I am on a mission to get out, get moving and save kids' lives, and I need your help!

I have joined the Miracle Marathon journey, and throughout October I will not only be moving for 27.2 miles, but also raising funds for my Children's Miracle Network Hospital.

Please support me by going to the following link:

http://www.miraclemarathon.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=1568

All donations are tax-deductible and collected securely by Children's Miracle Network Hospitals. 100% of the proceeds go to my local MU Children's Hospital.

Since a traditional marathon is 26.2 miles, Miracle Marathon adds a special touch by adding one more mile "for the kids." Over the course of 27 days, we are going to complete one mile per day by walking, running, dancing, skipping or just moving to reach that goal. It's a marathon - plus an extra mile - for the kids!

I sincerely hope you will support my Miracle Marathon journey.

No Man's Land

Sometimes I feel like I am in this no man's land. I'm not really fat but I'm not really thin, I'm not really plus size, but I'm not really straight sized either. It can be frustrating if I let it get to me but lately I just overall feel really positive. Lately I feel very present, and aware that there is nothing wrong with me. 

I am fine just the way I am, and I am fine wanting to move forward. The best way to get out of no man's land is to not let yourself hang out there. 

Telling myself I was in this place was mentally keeping me there and holding me back. I wasn't in some weird zone of am I or am I not okay. The outline of my body doesn't really determine my place in life. My attitude does. 

I find myself lately thinking about kindness. How much I value it. How much it can shift things and how easily it can be practiced. I have made a more pronounced effort to treat others with kindness and the super cool thing is it's making me treat myself with more kindness. It's making me take a step back and just look at my actions or motives. Not judge them, just go so what's this about. Two weeks ago I was working 20+ hour days, and one night everyone was tired, grumpy and over it. We ordered pizza. When in doubt feed the crew. I thought about it, because when it's pizza delicious. I took a beat and just said are you hungry, no, I'm cold and the pizza's hot. Cool, so really what you need is something warm, would tea suffice? It did. Not beating myself up or criticizing my impulse made me actually suss out and get what I wanted. 

I've been snazzy'ing up my outfits, taking time to blow out my hair in the mornings, getting to the gym and generally prioritizing self care and the things that make me feel good. The best part about this is I am doing the because they make me feel good. I am not doing them to ingratiate myself with society, or be more appealing to men, or because I feel the need to apologize for not being smaller. I am okay with taking up space, I am okay with garnering attention, I am okay with my outside matching my inside. 

I feel good and that is a good thing. I don't have to apologize for it, couch it in anything, or defend it. I'm just gonna let it ride. I don't feel this dramatic almost manic upswing I just this sense of yeah, I'm not perfect but I am a-okay with it all. 

Deep side part, don't care. 

Pilgrim Puritan Realness. 

You can't see the elephants on this dress, but I love them. 

It's Been Seventeen Years

Seventeen years ago today my Dad died. He's officially been gone longer then I knew him. My Dad's death doesn't really make me sad anymore. It's been incorporated into my life. It's become my normal. I read once that grief is like a window, sometimes you get it almost shut and other times it flies open. That window flies open less but it's still never all the way closed.

I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is that life goes on. That life moves forward without this person who was so significant to you. After he first died I used to think how can this be? How can people be outside laughing and going about life like it's the same? The contradiction nearly broke me those first raw weeks.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my father the past few years. The good, the bad, the impact, his death and while there's been moments I just wanted to put it in a box and move on I am glad I didn't. Exploring what he meant to me, and how he affected and shaped me lets him live on. He was complicated and flawed like just about everyone, but he let me see some of the best people are. That they deserve your time and patience, that their love can be rewarding and I guess most importantly seventeen years later post his absence enduring.

I don't really remember his voice anymore. If I close my eyes and concentrate real hard I can bring up a vague idea of it. I can hear it in memories. These losses used to crush me and I would cling to them harder. If I forget then he's really gone. Regardless of if I remember he is gone. That's what you have to live with. His voice doesn't really matter. The ways I see him in my life do, the fact that he did exist does.

I'm a lot like my Dad. I'm ambitious, hard working, practical and utterly ridiculous all at the same time. I'm also compulsive, have a tendency towards addiction, and self destructive. How much is him and how much is me who knows. I used to feel this pressure to be more like him to honor him but it doesn't really work. You do have to move on and live for you. I carry him in my heart and that's really the only he can stay forever.

I also inherited his trait of never looking directly into a camera. 

Relax and Be Yourself

I feel like lately on the blog I like to state and explore really trite phrases people trot out. I have found though part of why I hate them so much is because there is more truth then I care to admit. Lately I have been just relaxing and being myself. For the most part it's making me happier, more relaxed and I am benefiting from it. Why is it so hard to do and why do we avoid it so much? I know for me so much of it comes from fear and just plain ole not liking the answer right in front of my face.

I can't relax with food because what if I lose my shit and eat all the things? When I take a honest look at my behavior and how I eat I see this does not really happen. It's a self imposed fear myth I make myself live under that is not reality. When I relax and be myself I eat pretty well because it makes me feel better. These days and past few years if I take a break from criticizing myself I value what makes me feel better more, not because it's pro-weight loss or "good". I define eating well as mostly whole foods, with a mix of protein, fat and carbs, minimizing the processed and mindless. When I stay checked in and focused on what do I want and what makes me feel good, I don't want all the brownies, and the candy. I really don't. Someone offered me half a brownie yesterday and I said no and I didn't praise myself for it, or think I had done some unbelievable thing. I didn't want it so I didn't eat it. I can have a brownie whenever I want so why eat one when I don't? Plus I'm a brownie snob not a brownie slut. Get the brownie you actually want when you want a brownie not the first one that comes a calling.

As for the life....the crush I wrote about...well I'm finding my way. I haven't just shut it down. His attention is still around and I still do not completely know what to do with it. We text most days, we see each other often and I am just relaxing. I have no idea what it all means. I am just going to be myself. This weekend that included post a few drinkies asking him to hang out. He had plans but I put myself out there. I saw him the next day and was tempted to feel dumb and foolish. He teased me a bit because he knew I was tipsy, but I thought why are you feeling dumb? Do you regret it? No. He said he already had plans but wished he could co-conspire, why are you being weird? I want immediate gratification for taking a risk and that's just a really good way to stop taking risks because that isn't really the deal. You just have to take action don't ya? Can't really worry about the outcome unfortunately.

What I am not doing which has been a negative pattern is changing myself to force the result. I am not playing to anything, I am not trying to be better, smarter, funnier, whatever quality I ID myself to be lacking and them wanting that is completely made up in my mind. I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what I should be more of. I really don't. The only thing I can do and do well is be myself. If I just relax and try not to control the outcome, or force the result I am my best version of myself. The best thing about being that version is generally it attracts and brings the things into my life which should be and belong there.

Crush Crunched

I've been doing things a little bit differently lately. I have not been worrying about my weight. I have been eating mindfully and trying to believe in the trust I have in myself. Amazing that not worrying about your weight helps you lose weight. 

I have felt free from the constant unrelenting pressure to try harder, eat less, workout more, push myself further. I have tried to drift and find my own way a little more. I pushed when I felt strong, I backed off when I felt sore. I ate what I felt like concentrating on what makes me feel good, healthy, and my body likes. I strove less to control things and just said what do you want? How do you feel? What do you need? I wasn't feeling fruit this week so I didn't eat much of it and I didn't lecture myself over it. It's been pretty nice. 

In the midst of all this reshuffling someone's come into my path. At first I was like cute, but whatever. Then we actually hit it off. I let my guard down, and I went into full blown crush mode. After a lovely several week flirtation he's pulled back and I am baffled and sad. I thought I just liked the attention. It's worse then that I like him. 

My nutritionist pointed out you're making yourself vulnerable in both your food choices and in your life and it's shifting your thinking I want you to keep pushing this. Scary. I ate fig and brie mac and cheese this week. Twice. I ate what I wanted, not the whole thing, because I let myself have it. I didn't make it into anything but mac and cheese as a side dish to turkey meatballs and greens. 

I see and feel progress with food and my body. I find myself being more positive, confident, supportive. I find myself encouraging myself instead of chastising. When it comes to the fellas though I still feel this sense of scaredy cat gulp. My friends say he probably thinks you don't like him and backed off you need to hold his hand a little. This scares the crap out of me. The past month or so though being open, being more vulnerable has certainly enriched my life. I just feel torn as to whether this person was a lesson for the future or is something I should pursue now. 

I wish the question was about the mac and cheese. That I know the answer to. It's yes. Always yes to mac and cheese. To taking a chance on someone or them taking a chance on you I have no answers. 

Reading, Listening, Wanting

I finally have given young adult books a break and have been reading books that are meant for actual adults. Total honesty...I kind of forgot how reading good books makes you think. All of a sudden my brain feels a little less mushy. Young adult books do not really do this. They're junk food for your brain. While I was resting up, I watched all the television so I decided to read books I had been mean to read but had never gotten around to. 

1. The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. 

This is a newer release. I both really liked it and was completely disturbed by it as it hit close to home. It was like I know this guy, I've dated him. It's also kinda cool when you don't really like a main character. 

1. Gone Girl 

I know, I know, I know, I am REALLY late to this party. I totally got wrapped up into the book, was underwhelmed by the ending. The ending however is probably closer to the truth then I would care for. 

3. Where'd You Go Bernadette.

I loved, this book. I immediately read her other book which I also loved. Believe the hype, it's charming and a fast read. 

4. Now for listening...I can't with Chet Faker. He's too sexy for his own good. 

5. Tegan and Sara Heartthrob, makes me wanna just dance around. 

6. For my fall thoughts. I am pretty sure I need these. Party ikat pants, yes please. 

7. I also really want

these. I am using them as motivation for shapely legs all better to show off my high tops with. 

I basically want to dress like a flamboyant teenage boy. 

8. ASOS is making me hot under the collar for fall. I very much want the below AND some of their bright and shiny new things for fall are 20% off until midnight. There you have my permission to buy all the things.

What are you reading, listening to, coveting? 

No Right or Wrong, Just Different

You know how I was going to see Beyonce? Yeah, well that didn't happen. My poor friend got scammed! She bought the tickets on craig's list and they were fake. I felt so bad for her. While I was totally game to go, I was not dying to see Bey and she was. This particular friend and I have a lot of things in common but it's funny where we differ.

She was beating herself up about it, and I said, "well you could be a scaredy cat like me and pay a million more dollars on stubhub or you can take a chance." We ended up having a lovely dinner and evening so the night was far from ruined. As we sat outside and I drank sparkling rose and she sipped different fancy cocktails we just chatted. We were somewhere quiet, not in a hurry and could actually talk.

We have not known each other long but we became friends pretty quickly so now at this point we do sort of know each other. We can see consistencies in our behaviors, make some predictions, and see why we view things differently. She is very what she sees is what she believes, I over analyze everything and eventually throw my hands up and just do what I wanted anyway. She has a bajillion acquaintances and friends, I have people I tolerate because I have to and friends. We were talking about someone we knew in common and I was like oh lemme tell you about her. She was like you always go deep, you get to know people. I said there is just no in between for me. If I like you, and I enjoy your company then I am going to want to learn about you and get invested. I explained it's taken getting older to learn how to protect myself better with this. Not everyone should get that treatment off the bat, and the way I employ it is different. When I was younger, I used this as a way to ingratiate myself with others and build social currency now it's because I genuinely find people fascinating. I am just more discerning about who I invest in.

We chatted dating, hook ups and guys. I'll be straight up because well this is my blog and I can be...how she goes about the fellas has bugged me as of lately. She posts conversations on facebook, and instagram, talks about making out with two guys in a night, and I just cringe. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing but I don't get why she is telling people. She's like you're right I had never realized how private you are about that part of your life. I said I have zero issue sharing with anyone, I just want to share in person not on facebook. She just thinks it's funny and wants to share. Well go on girl. Get your share on.

What was super cool about being able to just talk and share where we came from was there wasn't any judgment just this is how you see it, and this is how I see it. We both learned more about the other, motivations, end goals, and a different way to think about things. I admire a lot about her fearlessness, but I am old enough to know trying to replicate it in her manner would not work for me. It doesn't mean I can't channel some of that my own way and appreciate the way she employs it.

I find as I try to quiet my own inner critic it makes me kinder and less defensive to others. It makes me less judgmental. I can, not want to act a certain way but not find anything wrong with someone who does. I can also take someone approaching things differently not as a sign that I am doing things wrong, or they think I'm a lame-o. Last night as I sat on a blanket with good friends and ate an ice cream sandwich for dinner listening to Beck I just let myself enjoy it. I didn't scold myself for such an unhealthy dinner, or for not eating something healthy before I left my apartment. I sat on the blanket and enjoyed the ice cream sandwich and the beautiful night and did not miss it by being a total ass to myself. There really is no right or wrong, just occasional ice cream sandwiches for dinner.

Mixed Bag

This week zoomed on by and lawdy am I grateful for that. I have a packed weekend ahead and I am ready to hop to it! Below's what has been keeping my head above water...

1. I am one lucky duck, Beyonce on Saturday, and then Sunday Beck. SO EXCITED! I saw Beyonce like 500 years ago and she was amazing, doubtful I'll be able to dance it out much but ass shaking doesn't really involve your lower leg. 

2.  My nail art obsession shows very little signs of slowing down. I looove this polish for some at home glamour. I really loved the last one I did but it's big time growing out. Saturday's appointment will probably be Bey (cause we're friends) influenced...

3. I can't stop listening to this song, and the video is purrrrty funny. I heard it in the Movie Drinking Buddies which I thought was sorta snoozy and sad, but the soundtrack is fantastic. 

4. I usually stay away from articles regarding diet and exercise, and popular women's magazines in general. I just can't read  how to lose 10 pounds quick or give the same three tips regarding your vagina and it just makes me feel like I am on the brink of insanity at how condescending the tone is. Anywayz....I thought this article regarding exercise was actually refreshing with a tone of decide what works for you. 

5. When I feel like I need a lil zen, this website helps me. 

6. This girl is 20 and her artwork is fantastic. I can't wait to see what she does next. My favorite is I don't Really Miss You. 

7. These pics strengthen my Icelandic obsession. Will someone please just go to Iceland with me already? Sheesh. Temper tantrum over. 

8. H&M went online yesterday and while the plus size offerings are sad, the kid offerings are not. All my friend's kids are getting these. 

9. This and this are really lovely sentiments. 

10. Want to see this....badly.

11. What does your birthday mean? 

12. I have a hard time believing in the healing powers of stones/crystals/rocks, but I doooo love these bracelets and if they have healing properties well fantastic. 

13. I want all the watermelon juice. Seriously. Get some. If it's pure watermelon it helps with bloat, is high in vitamin C, lower in sugar then you'd think and sometimes I prefer it over dessert at night. Sometimes. 

14. Wednesday night, I walked too much and was hurting pretty bad by the time I got home so I popped 2 percosets. BIG MISTAKE. I felt gross and I bid on a 18th Century taxidermied Flamingo. Welcome to my apartment I am insane.

15. I have been obsessed with exfoliating and moisturizing this summer but really kicked it up a notch post calf debacle. I soak in epsom salts which are drying so I give a quick scrub with this soap, yes it's expensive but it's lasts FOREVER and it really does change your skin and then I slather on this oil. My friend Aurora introduced to me to coconut oil as a moisturizer 3 years ago on my 30th birthday so it was appropriate for my 33rd that she gave me another jar. 

take it all off

lube up your bod 

Nope. Do not want.

I had a whole idea of how last week was supposed to go. I was headed out to Portland, Oregon for my first solo mission. I had re-arranged my work out schedule, done my laundry and thought I was headed in the right direction. Nope, not at all how it all played out. 

Tuesday night while working out with my temporary trainer while Jesse's away I tore my right calf muscle. Badly. I couldn't walk Tuesday or Wednesday, was on crutches for a few days and then graduated to a cane. Annoying. The whole thing has been annoying. I was really lucky, the airline credited my flight, hotel cancelled without charging me, Create + Cultivate what I was attending put that towards the event they are throwing in Brooklyn. I basically came out as ahead as I could be for having to cancel a trip the day before it. 

The worst part was being immobilized. I felt so incredibly vulnerable and frustrated. I couldn't do anything besides be patient and just let this run it's course. I totally ate some self pity feelings Wednesday in the form of salted dark chocolate. I felt so defeated and powerless, and like there's nothing I can do wahhh. Thursday I started to turn that thinking around, I can rest, do exercises that are considered pre-hab, eat well to fuel healing, and not make it worse by pushing myself. There's no miracle cure or magic bullet. It's also not my fault, or because of my weight or going to make me fat. I have to remind myself of these things. I am out of commission for at least 2-3 weeks. When I can stretch without pain I can start light activity. 

Almost a week later I've watched the whole series of Orange is the New Black, and highly recommend it. I watched more Arrested Development and still feel undecided about it. My brother offered to send pot to my house to "help" I declined. I ate hot dogs because they are delicious but then prepared a quinoa salad for Sunday dinner as amino acids are my friends right now. I rode the wave, I wanted to burst into tears a few times, but really having to lay around and heal and take percocet is really not the worst fate. It's hard to just sit and and be and take care of yourself but really it's pretty nice. I soaked in the tub last night, and then coated myself head to toe in coconut oil which in retrospect maybe wasn't the wisest idea for someone who's balance is compromised, and then ate a tasty dinner I had made with whole foods, and watched True Blood. Saturday I slept 15 hours, I think I was tired. Today my walking is pretty pretty good, I made everyone check me out in the office like a toddler. I get only occasional muscle spasms and feeling I am being electrocuted every once and a while instead of every few minutes. It's healing, I just have to be patient and let it do it's thing. 

All this being said, instead of pouring one out for my homey right calf, please stretch yours. Don't be like me, I am only half kidding about this. Tight calves are no joke apparently. 

I will drink all of these if I can walk normal tomorrow. 

If You Wanna Think Differently...Then Act Differently.

I hate when people say,"Get over it." I think there are few phrases more dismissive then that. I'm pretty aware that fear is not rational and that feelings are not rational and usually if given a choice I would get over it thank you very much. There are some times though when really you do need to take some steps to get over it.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately centered around ladies who take fashion risks. They wear crazy colored tights, jumpsuits, short shorts, things that I am like oh nooooooo, not for me. Why not? I mean sure some things are best left unseen but there is no real reason I should not be wearing things I want to. I mean these women are no different then I am. I adopt this well they're far braver then I, I could NEVER do that, or her legs are waaaaaay skinnier then mine. Um...No. Why couldn't I? Because I don't have the exact body I want? Because I am not a size whatever? Why? This is a case when really the answer is to get over it. Actually not just to get over it but maybe a more emphatic get the f**k over it. Wear what you want, be who you want regardless of what you look like. You know how you believe and do this more? It's not by magic or the a visit from the Fearless Fairy at night, it's by actually doing it. Ugh, hate when there's no shortcut but such is life.

I really am not a fan of the it's okay for her but not for me attitude. There's no difference between us. Okay maybe someone has a great set of legs they should be dressing to accentuate and someone else has a killer rack but the idea of caring less what others think and more what you like is the same. No one is above or below that. What I really love about some of these ladies is not that they're wearing clothes that a lady of a certain size shouldn't, they are being themselves. They are expressing who they are with what they wear and accepting their bodies, taking risks. Daring to put themselves out there. It's pretty awesome. It's a awesome way of life, and makes for some really stunning outfits.

It's been really positive and influential for me seeing this. Reading what inspires these ladies, what their influences are and how it translates into an outfit. I'm similar. I dress thematically usually. I have an end goal or a place it go inspired from but so often I hold myself back. Lately nope. Short hair, don't care. Sleeveless dresses, ridiculous nail art, skimpy shirts, it's all been fair game to explore and been a lot of fun. More importantly I'm getting over it.

If you have to turn 33, you do so in a ridiculous dress on a chaise lounge. 

I REALLY have a serious girl crush on some of these ladies:

http://www.thefatgirlsguide.com/

http://www.stylepluscurves.com/

http://www.nearsightedowl.com/

http://www.ecarolinewalters.com/

http://kittycatstevens.blogspot.com/

http://fromthereztothecity.blogspot.com/

Cookies & Power

I think of energy as a finite resource. It helps me be more considering of where I use it and when to just drop something. Sure, I could get really worked up about the lady who just stole my cab or I can remember there will be another and save my energy. Something I do not think a lot about is power.

I've been seeing a new nutritionist. A quick recap, Marisa went away on maternity leave, and I started seeing Stephanie. Then Stephanie's husband got transferred so now I am seeing Lindsay. I get around. Lindsay is really cool and I like her. She is very smart and making me see behaviors I am so used to and resigned to differently. I also think having some fresh eyes and ears on old problems is very helpful.

All that being said, she had noticed in my food journal that I had been obsessing over a cookie. Yes, a cookie. A very specific cookie. A delicious amazing s'mores cookie. She also had flagged and pointed out that a lot of my behavior was still very restrictive and my inner dialogue critical and judgmental. No argument there. It's a constant dialogue of keeping myself on the rails. She explained though that with the restriction and the negative dialogue I was giving away my power. She explained I was giving the cookie all the power. I tell you want will stop you for a second and make you listen someone telling you a cookie has all the power. I was removing permission. She emphasized I can have a cookie whenever I want. I have easy access to it, I can allow for it in my daily intake, and I am allowed to have a cookie. A cookie is not bad, wrong, or against myself. It's a cookie. She made me buy a cookie when I did not want it and carry it around in my bag to have it available when I did want it. I was like ohhhh helllll nooooo. I am going to last three seconds, or have constant cookie chatter in my brain, or make it a test of the cookie wills. She said it's an experiment just try to have it when you want it. When your brain fires just ask do you want it. When you want the cookie have it.

This amazingly worked. Thinking of things in terms of permission and power has been really helpful for me. I remind myself I can have whatever I want whenever I want so the question is do I want it? The question is not will it make me fat, or will I think I am gross after.

Thinking about power makes me cringe a little. I do not know why. It just seems so cheesy and overblown a thought, but it's an important one, because I know feeling powerless makes me feel bad. It also is a time when I am very capable of wrecking myself. Finding the flipside of the powerless in being powerful helps set myself up for being more mindful of both emotions and scenarios.

What I really continue to enjoy about the nutritional care I receive is it's never just about food. It always relates back to my life because food is the metaphor. I let the silliest things have power over me like sleeveless dresses. I mean I had my excess skin cut off of my arms and still hesitate to go sleeveless. That is literally one of the dumbest things. What am I waiting for? Bionic arms? This week I made myself eat an ice cream cone in a sleeveless dress because it's hot, and my arms are just fine and ice cream is delicious. My friend James said you look quite smart in that dress. It made me laugh because I do like the dress very much and feel good in it, but I felt smart for realizing the time to do things is now not when your arms are more toned, or to eat the cookie in 3 days because you might be 3 days thinner, it's whenever you decide you want it.

But How?

I find myself asking how a lot. I know what I want to learn or do, what I don't know is how. I was getting my therapy on, and Christina said something that I thought was brilliant and worth sharing. In fact I busted out my phone to make sure I recorded it exactly how she said it. Drumroll... "Self-esteem is built through mastery of skill." Very simple statement, but a lot of truth in it.

Lately I have been holding myself more accountable for what happens to me. Seems obvious, but I think often we get caught up in reacting. We also get caught up in figuring out and questioning other people's reasons and motives. They don't really matter. What matters is not making someone else's nonsense make you feel bad about yourself. This is something I think I have to improve on. I say if I was thinner, prettier, smart they wouldn't treat me that way. I take other people's thoughtless actions as a way to hold on to my own negative self beliefs. I'm like see, you're silly to think you're awesome, if you were awesome this wouldn't happen. That's total crap and a good way to keep yourself safe. Keep yourself near what you know and safe from the disappointment and risk of looking for more. Asking for more will get me more, and help me believe I deserve more, not just sticking with what I know.

I did this recently with a friend. His behavior had not been awful but another friend put it into perspective for me when he said but do you want to be that girl. I really didn't. I did not want to be "that girl" and I realized but acting like I was okay with the behavior, and not speaking up and just reacting I was being "that girl." This is platonic sleepover man. He is ridiculously hot. I mean stupid hot but you know what he wasn't offering me anything and sleeping over was not making me feel good. The first time I was like what is this, the second time um okay don't rock the boat go with it. I realized afterwards though that his behavior was tapping into some old wounds for me. Him not making a move, but wanting comfort from me was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, and all I had to offer was being the fat girl who was safe for comfort but not good for anything else. So not good. What was also a big thunderbolt to my brain was realizing he wasn't doing this, I was. I was going along with things because he is my friend who I adore and super hot. Who was I to refuse him? I'm lucky. Um...that is total and complete utter crap. I may not be the thinnest girl, but I am attractive, interesting, funny and have a lot to offer and someone who doesn't see it should not be in my bed. The way you get that person in your bed is throwing the snuggler out.

When he tried to initiate sleep over number three I told him this isn't working for me and he listened and we had a chat and I felt about a bajillion times better. He said something interesting to me, " I adore you, and I love how I feel when I'm with you." Well that's great and all but what I would really like is someone to not like how they feel with me, but feel that way also about me. Being clear in what you want is scary. People may not like it, you may feel uncomfortable but it's a lot better then having a case of the icks. Accepting the little he was offering and acting like I should be pleased was not serving me at all. That's the sort of stuff that keeps me where I am and not getting what I want. I am way better then feeing blessed and flattered by very little.

If I feed the insecurities I have I just make them bigger. I do not dissipate them and let them have less hold and grip in my life. If I play a role in reinforcing negative thoughts, accepting less then I deserve, and keeping myself in the past then I cannot be surprised I stay stuck where I am. I cannot control a lot of things but I can control how I think, and I can control being the first line of defense in asking what I want.

It never ceases to amaze me how these big things that feel so mysterious and elusive are really not. They are skills, habits, and a lot less mysterious then they seem to be. Self esteem, and thinking you deserve more is not something that just happens overnight. It is not based on your weight, your looks, your job, whatever your hang up or thing may be. It is based on building your inner skills to not be afraid to ask for what you and challenging yourself to see that no matter what that "thing" is that you say means you deserve less that you're wrong. You deserve whatever you want and provided it doesn't hurt anyone else and you're not going to be a total ass about achieving it nothing should stand in your way and you should be the first to say it.

Werrk & Work

Man it's been a minute now hasn't it? Sorry for my absence. I've been super busy at work and at life. Summer just seems to be lazy and incredibly busy at the same time. I am a little spent so a hot list below!

1. I am really pushing myself towards intuitive eating and so far so good. Weight is down, freak outs are minimal. I am also enjoying my food a lot more, and feeling less guilt. So far so good. 

2. I went to the ballet last Friday. Elba had never been to the ballet before so it was double magic. 

Can you handle Elba's shoes? I can't. 

3. I am putting together a group of my friends to hopefully write and work together. It freaks me out a little but it's a step closer to what I want to be doing. Yay! I also signed up for a class. Makes me a lil squirmy but such is life. 

4. My runner's knee seems to be healing. Anyone got any advice or experience with this? I want to get back to running, but I don't want my knees to hate me. Le sigh. 

5. I am obsessed with my cheapie sunglasses I bought. 

Ahhh! Shapes on my face! 

6.  I read this and have yet to stop thinking about it. I chase a lot of people I am an option for not a priority and I think it consistently gets in the way of me moving forward. Petit epiphany. 

7. This guy I had been going back and forth with for months on the interwebz popped back up. He seems cool so I agreed to a drink and gave him my number. One step away from the BS fellas, one step towards the nice ones. I have of course not heard from him yet. Ugh. 

8. I am OBSESSED with nail art. Got a Calgel glitter gradient mani over the weekend. Planning my next one. My friend Aurora and I drank wine, and ate beet and gorgonzola risotto balls while we looked at nail art photos planning our next ones. We are 15. 

Sparkly nubbins' 

Thinking something like this next time. 

9. I cannot stop eating the Hebrew National 97% fat free hot dogs. I have them for dinner with really fancy side salads. Makes me laugh. I also cannot stop drinking Moscow Mules. Ginger beer, lime & vodka what a refreshing revelation. 

10. I am obsessed with this little girl's dance moves, it's so wrong and so right all at the same time. 

She's my summer dance inspiration. 

Don't Let It

Lately I have struggled with insomnia and increased anxiety. I can take a guess at where some of it's coming from. I have two particular people in my life who I love/hate their advice. When I say I'm scared, they both say don't be, when I say ehh I 'm not sure about x, they say do it. They don't know one another but it never ceases to amaze me how boundless and enthusiastic their attitude towards life is. It also frustrates the bejesus out of me that their stripped down simplified way of viewing things is pretty spot on. Usually I think we hem and haw about things because we just don't like the truth or the answer. 

Lately I feel daunted. I feel like I am not going where I want to go and I feel more scared to direct myself where I need to be. I feel like a boldness I had before is no longer with me. I wonder if the boldness was ever really me. Lately I think a lot about being mindful. Eating mindfully, and living mindfully. Trying to be in the present and make decisions without judgement or thoughts of others. It's hard yo. It also grounds you in a way that I don't think I really have been before. I think a lot of the boldness I had before wasn't really legit. It might have had some good results on occasion but really it was a way of not dealing with feelings I had. I would fake it until I felt it. It makes it tricky now to know how to move forward. Old boldness out, so what's in? I dunno, but I do have try to make some moves because once I am doing something I am usually okay with it and the anxiety dissipates. It's the lead up that does my head in and makes me have the stress sweats. Not a good look. 

So what did I do, or what am I doing? Well I saw my doctor on this week who is AWESOME and she gave me a prescription for some sleepy times. I was hesitant to do this, like what if she thinks I am a degenerate, or I bet tomorrow I'll be better, but then I thought no I am not sleeping and it's not getting better I am going to ask for some help. She gave me 10 pills and made me feel a lot better. She's like I bet your anxiety is getting a little out of control it's what happens when your sleep is disturbed. I have had 2 solid night's sleep and do feel a lot better and a decrease in the free floating anxiety. 

 I also signed up for this, which I am SUPER excited about. A friend of mine was going with me but had to back out today. I think I am going to challenge myself to go it alone. Have a solo adventure. I also reached out to another friend about working together, and we had a lovely glass of wine and swapped ideas and feelings of being stuck in our careers. It made me feel about a thousand times better. A friend I don't know that well but have a "feeling" about I reached out to about collaborating. I just think he and I are supposed to work together. I have no idea why, but you know what instead of judging or defending it I am just going for it. 

You know when nature is about to get crazy and all the animals are upset or restless? I wonder in some ways if a life storm is coming my way and my subconscious is like LOOK ALIVE LADY. I can't know right now, but I can reassure myself one step in front of the other every is going to be okay. It usually is, and if it isn't what am I going to do about it? Can't stop it, can't prevent it, and I can't stay here so I need to make some moves and see what happens. 

The Latest in Cardio

I could try to explain how much I love this woman and this video but nope. No words suffice or do it justice. Anyone who will prance their way to health has pranced their way into my heart.

Tech Talk

I am not a terribly techie person. In fact I have fought it tooth and nail. I love the internet and social media but anything that makes it easier not so much. I turn into a befuddled 80 year old. I decided to take the leap though and catch up with everyone else and get an iphone. Oh dear lord how I love it. I did not think I could love anything more then my ipad but I was wrong.

A big reason I got the iphone is I really wanted to get the Nike Fuel Band. I have worn pedometers off and on but find them annoying. If they're on your waist they can pop off and break. That's what happened to my last one. I really like bracelets and that's what the fuel band is essentially. A bracelet, that tracks your steps, fuel points, calories and steps. I LOVE it. It's not perfect, but it's been a nice tool in helping raise my awareness of what my actual daily activity is. It's really easy in NY to think you are SUPER active. We're not really, I mean walking to the subway and then to work isn't exactly a arduous physical task.

I went to California this weekend and Friday when my flight was delayed instead of just hunkering down and reading I walked around the airport to get closer to my fuel points and up my steps. I have been pleasantly surprised by my daily mileage. I pay less attention to the calories because it does not take into consideration your heart rate. Also because the band is on your wrist activities/exercises like weight training, or cycling are not going to get you many points or calories and we know they do both.

What I am also loving about the iphone and the fuel band is that they sync together. I can send Stephanie my nutritionist my end of the day snapshot. I have been SUPER hungry lately and this gives her a little glimpse into my activity to better assess what I might need. It has also been educational for me to see different results and patterns. Some of the days I just kept myself more active to meet my goals 3,000 fuel points and 10,000 steps I burned more calories and covered more distance the days I was like oh I have a workout scheduled I got this. It's made me take public transportation more, take the stairs more often, walk to more places, and be more active at night. I usually make dinner, putter around for a second or two and then flop on the couch, days when I have been 100 points shy of my goal I got up and put away laundry, loaded the dishwasher. Just in general I have found it's help me be more active and productive. For example tonight, I need to get my favorite moisturizer from Trader Joe's I was like might as well walk to the gym tonight pick up the lotion at TJ's and then go work out, it'll help boost your points rather then just waiting until the weekend.

It's been almost two weeks so we'll see how it continues, but I am a 5 year old. I like that the little green man does a dance for me when I get my points. I like being able to see the stats and what I've been up to. It's really satisfying to see that choosing to walk from an appointment to the gym instead of hopping on the subway got me an extra half a mile. I think if you consider yourself active, which I do, and exercise regularly it's very easy to fall into a trap of thinking you do more then you do or less. It's been refreshing to see that with awareness there is not a huge discrepancy in my days with or without a workout.

It's not the cheapest toy and depending on what you might want from a tracking device it might not work for you but I am digging it. My nutritionist was worried it might make me obsessive or dip into some unhealthy behavior but so far I have found it has not. Sunday I laid on a beach in Malibu and while I thought bummer my points streak will be upset by today I certainly did not sweat it. Sometimes you just got to lay on a beach and chill and not keep moving for points.

I have been thinking a lot about dieting and intuitive eating and the differences between the two and how I can modify my own behaviors to move closer to intuitive eating. I read a comment on another blog and someone put it really wisely when they said with intuitive eating the behavior is the reward not the weight loss. This lil band has helped me feel closer to that way of thinking. Even though I like the numbers I see, the rewards have been I am sleeping better because I am more active, and I feel more aware and conscious of my decision making but not from a I will lose weight. 3000 fuel points does not equal a loss on the scale but being more active is healthier for me and my body likes it. It helps me be able to connect more to my body and what it responds to and digs. It occurred to me recently when I walked to the gym instead of rushing how often I rush around just going from one thing to another, constantly thinking about checking things off my list. If I do not live in a mindfully way why would I be able to eat that way? Knowing my activity level has helped me be more mindful. Not what I expected from the tech side of things.

This is Tuesday's activity. 

Would you sweat some fuel band points looking at this?

The band itself. It's like I am a cyborg being tracked and I dig it. 

Beauty is Not Exclusive

“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”

                                                                              ― George Santayana



I've been swirling around in my head thinking about what defines beauty, fat acceptance and identity.
Not the easiest topics to define or explore. It's strange to me how you can have one over arching opinion yet not be able to apply it to yourself. Where and why does the disconnect happen?

I believe strongly that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I do not think that thin equals beautiful, I think people can be fat and be beautiful, I think people can have a non-traditional appearance and be absolutely gorgeous. I think beauty is something you react to on an instinctual level and cannot sum up neatly into a preconceived idea or box. I am also pretty sure I am not making this up or faking it. I am a hugely visual person, who tries to pepper my every day with beauty and loves finding it in unlikely places. So when it comes to myself why is it  I cannot help but think in terms of I would be prettier or my appearance would be more valuable if I lost weight. What bums me out here is two things. One that I struggle to separate my own appearance and weight, and two I assign value to it. It's pretty hard not to. It's what been told to me, and what sort of comes at me. If I had a dollar for every time somehow has said to me, but you have such a pretty face I wouldn't be working. If I had a dollar for every time I was told I should lose weight to get a boyfriend, or I would not find a boyfriend overweight I could buy an alpaca farm. These people may not be right, but the message was sent so young to me it's very much instilled in me. Much like I know I have brown hair, eyes that change color, I have to be thin in order to be attractive. Check, check check. When I evaluate myself for a night out, or just a Tuesday morning, it's never just a you look nice, it's a you look nice for what you're working with. There is always this element of the weight being there.

Lately I feel a shift in how I look at others and myself. It's tiny and the shift towards others is a lot bigger then the one towards myself. It feels shocking and rebellious to think that what is directed at us as a standard of beauty is not necessarily true or accurate. Most people if you look hard enough, or they are not total jerks have something beautiful about them. Regardless of that, how you look is not who you are. I think this is way harder to grasp if you are the owner of a vagina. I almost feel like my weight makes me feel less feminine, like I am not holding up my end of the feminine bargain. I should be small waisted, dainty, and able for a man to sweep me up. Any dude who tried would throw his back out, but does that make me any less feminine? I dunno and I really haven't bothered to ask myself. I have just kept the negative and critical rhetoric in my brain on repeat. I think I thought it motivated me and pushed me harder. It doesn't. It keeps me disconnected from myself and constantly chasing who I could be and not who I am.

I was talking to someone recently about some of these things, and fat acceptance. Fat acceptance has been something that truthfully I rolled my eyes at. Part of the reason is because some of the people who voice it get under my skin. I just plain ole don't like them, fat, thin, if they had feathers...not a fan. I think a much bigger reason why I have danced around it is it scares the shit out of me. The idea of accepting myself for who I am right now fat, or thin is really challenging. It also makes me think about where fat fits into my identity. I have always thought of it both as a temporary stop on my life tour, and as a prison sentence. Fat has never not been a part of my descriptors regardless of whether or not I was. I used to never even use the word fat. It was ugly. It felt no matter what like an insult and not just an adjective. It's almost intoxicating this idea of saying fat or thin I am a-okay, the same person, who deserves to be valued the same way. I hope I can start to believe that more then I do now.

If you would like to disappear down this rabbit hole with me I suggest the below links:


http://jezebel.com/plastic-surgery-means-many-beauty-queens-but-only-one-480929886


http://jezebel.com/if-you-must-think-about-your-weight-here-are-10-things-508925649

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/05/to-mike-jeffries-co-abercrombie-fitch.html

http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/

Music Filled Monday

I hope everyone had lovely weekends. I spent a chunk of it organizing and cleaning my apartment happy as a clam. Approaching it from a what would make you happy way instead of you are a gross filthy pig girl sure did speed the process up and make it a lot more enjoyable. It also let me listen to lots and lots of music, which is always fun so I suggest ya'll listen to the below.


1. Yes, they're my friends but they also make good music I swear. Their new singles are also 
available on their site as pay what you wish. Do it. 

2. Like the XX? May I suggest this remix then.

3. Ryan Hemsworth is both super adorable and gives good mix.

4. Chance the Rapper's new album is fun, and available for download for free.

5. I literally cannot stop listening to this 2 Chainz x STRFKR mashup. Not exaggerating at all. I listen to it then a song or two and then back to this.

Yes Man...Not Really

My friend Jo and I have commiserated on our need for yes man phases. This is named after the Jim Carrey movie. Not that we're huge fans of the movie or anything but we both swing between hibernating and phases of social insanity. The social insanity tends to be our yes man phases. Hey want to go to this party, YES! Want to go to this book reading, YES! and so on. There are some fun times but often I feel drained, have had a lot more cocktails then I would have liked and feel like for the 100% I was putting out there 10% was worth it.

I kicked off May with a I am going to issue in another yes man phase. I was sick of it within a week. Asking myself how do I feel, what do I need? I realized maybe I need some more no's instead of yes's.
I need a visit it to the West Coast to see dear friends and escape the city. I have not left NY in months. That is not good. You need a city break. What did I do, I double checked dates with a friend, mentioned it to my mom who offered me air miles and then I booked it. It's simple as that. Yes to LA.

Last night I found myself with a friend eating ice cream in his bed watching movies. This is something I probably would have said no to, and just sort of shrugged off. It's a school night, real ice cream are you out of your mind, I could go on with excuses but I won't. Instead I said yes I will come over for dinner and then let the night evolve. I ended up sleeping over, oversleeping and missing my appointment with Stephanie, (whoops) but it was worth it. To just be present and enjoy an evening, not obsess about full fat dairy, or bedtimes, that he would see my flaws when he handed me a t-shirt to sleep in or even what does this mean. Now several hours later, I am wondering why I did wake up being spooned, but not sure there is an answer or if I really need one. It was nice and unexpected for a Thursday night and that's okay with me.

People are selfish, it's just how we are and I feel myself learning a little better to be selfish in a way that is self protection. I said I would go to a party tonight, but really I don't want to. I have other things I need to take care of, I have plans Saturday morning, and really I don't have to justify it. I start spiraling and saying but what if there are really cool people there? Or but I said I would go and it's bad to cancel.  I guess what trumps all the things is I don't really want to go out and I have to be responsible and loyal to me first before others. Yes to me no to others perhaps?

Whooooooosh

Stephanie, my nutritionist has been on vacation for the past two weeks. I almost felt bad for her because I knew this morning I was about to emotionally vomit all over our appointment. It was great. SO much that I think I have been afraid of, worried about, that hasn't been working for me, or making me happy came up. She said, " I think this is the most real you have been with me since I began treating you." While kinda a tough thing to hear, she's not wrong. I am big on deflection. I deflect attention, I employ humor, distraction, activities, you name it. I guess what I didn't realize was how much I was deflecting from myself.

The food, the weight, all of it is always the metaphor. What I better see now are the things in my life I need to work on to move me forward across the board. I constantly want to go from A-Z and skip B-Y. They do not interest me. They are scary. A and Z are defined. They have the illusion of being known. The journey, the process, the struggles...ick...who wants to dive into the unknown.

One of the best things that happened to me when I sought out treatment many moons ago is I had to humble myself, accept I didn't have it all figured out and ask for help. Having a large weight gain, but really a long period of delusion has put me back in that same position. It made me dial into what some of the thoughts I have been having are, what behaviors have crept back, and what doesn't work for me. It let me share those things this morning and say I need your help. I do not think she has really been able to help me much before. I threw out challenges, I'm going to make my lunch, I'm going to train (3) times a week now, deflect, deflect, disconnect, disconnect.

I reacted to last Saturday better then I expected. I reached out to friends, I let myself be upset, I did not dismiss it, or soothe it with food or any other unhealthy behaviors. I also did not do any whiplash behaviors, restricting, over exercising. I was mindful about what I ate, how I felt and what I needed. This is progress. She gave me two things to focus on this upcoming week. Continue being mindful, whether it be about my emotional state, negative self talk, what I'm eating, whatever and record it somehow and to ask myself when I feel overwhelmed or like I am choosing between right or wrong how do I feel and what do I need? I can do that.

At the end of the session she weighed me and she asked do you want to know? I laughed and said sure why not, it can't be worse. She said it's not, you've lost 6.5 pounds. I am grateful it was lower not higher for sure, but I am also a lot more grateful that I left feeling better then I have in a few days.

You Can Run...but You Can't Hide

You know when you sorta suspect something but you just don't want to deal with it? Yeah...that was what I had been doing with my weight. As in the actual number. I knew I was up a little, I knew some clothes were a little tighter, but I had no clue what the number was.

This past weekend when my friend was in town I got clobbered by being sick. We ended up at urgent care on Saturday. Everyone's NY hotspot. They weighed me. I saw. I weigh approximately 17-22 pounds more then I thought. I was shocked. I have two alert numbers. I am past both. I am higher then I have probably been in at least a year and a half if not two. The good news is part of how the denial happened is my body hasn't not changed that much because my exercise regime has stayed rigorous. How annoying though. If I actually gave my 100% I might have been pleasantly surprised by the number instead of wanting to burst into tears.

I know it does not define me and it's not really the number that bothers me. What bothers me is the shock I felt was VERY similar to when a friend talked me into going to Weight Watchers with him pre-nutritionist, and I weighed 20 pounds more then I thought and it was over 300 pounds. My worst fear is to blink and be back there. What it stirred for me is that fear. If I don't stay vigilant I will slip back but living vigilant isn't really living. I am tired of feeling punished. I am tired of constantly having to do more. I am tired of feeling like I will never get there wherever that is.

While there is a lot I could do differently I work pretty hard at being healthy. I work out a minimum of 5 days a week doing cardio on my own, I work with my trainer 3 days, I make it to yoga 1 day a week, I prepare my lunches that are under 500 calories, I pack my snacks often fruit or veggie based,  I make healthy dinners and yet it's not enough. I eat out 1-2 times a week, I drink alcohol 1-2 times a week, and I eat dark chocolate or some sort of sweet either at lunch or dinner but not both meals. I hardly feel like how I live, eat, and behave should have resulted in a 20 pound weight gain. It feels so unfair and frustrating. I however look at small things and do not look at the overall picture. An extra glass of wine here, a workout cut by 15 minutes here, a few cookies there, it all adds up. Every day you have to be aware of your choices. Every day.

I refuse to live my life on a diet. Refuse. It messes with my head and leaves me unhappy. How do you pursue weight loss goals, but lose diet mentality and not feel ruled by calories, portions and choices? How do you find balance? I have no idea. My therapist told me to think of now in order to move forward as temporary. Is it really? I really struggle to accept that I won't live the rest of my life hyper vigilant or exhausted by that vigilance. That there is some in between.

I'm bummed about the number but not hugely surprised. I also feel better knowing what it is. Knowing it, I can address it. It forced me out of denial. It forced me to look at some of my patterns and behaviors that have been warning signs, that I ignored. It also made me get real about some other stuff. I'm not really dating and I don't really want to. I don't feel good about myself right now and I dabble in some things to try to distract from that. I deactivated my profiles and it felt good. A big relief, like knowing the number in some ways. I was no longer hiding.

I also have to clean up some other areas of my life. I have hung on to some relationships that I don't think I really need anymore. I get worried, much like I do about moving forward about what will happen. If I dare to just not be nice anymore. Not saying I would be actively mean, but continuing to put energy into relationships that your heart and interest are not in anymore seems a lot more mean then letting them fade out. In other ones, I have a big ole question of how does this serve me? or what do I get out of this? One of them, not a damn thing and I have to walk away. It's rough, but this person is reckless and makes me feel bad about myself. I struggle enough to keep my head above low self esteem water I don't need help falling under.

All of this swirling makes me think May will be a month I try, best I can to focus on self improvement. Not from a place of who and what I am now not being good enough, but where and what do I want to do. It's really easy to get distracted from yourself, your goals, and wants. I actively allow it and I am not sure why. I guess I want to keep chipping at that reason I get so consistently in my own way.