A lil catch up

I left off with not trying to get my hopes up. Well they were dashed, but that's the hormone influenced life of a woman watching her weight. I was up-ish. This week though I pushed myself to exercise a lot, watch what I was eating and keep on the straight and narrow. It paid off I was three pounds down. Very exciting! I have lost in three weeks, 8.5 pounds which is super cool because now that I am smaller I see the effects a lot quicker. I also had quite the breakthrough last week. I wanted and said in my head to myself I want to binge. Not only did I not binge but I faced my worst fear of being confronted with that feeling. It was very rewarding to see all the work I have done paying off in a moment. My take on it is a bad day is not worth binging after a year and a half of not. There are worst things in life, I can go home relax and call it a night on a bad day. If I binge it will be a bad night, and a bad day to follow feeling crappy about what I did. Not good, and not a a risk worth taking. It was cool though to give myself permission and I say I am doing this, and then in the moment just ask myself what are you doing? Is this really what you want to do? It really isn't. I forget how little food means to me now sometimes and it's nice in these moments to see it reflected. It's when I need it most.

Mixed Bag of Nuts

So this past week I have eaten relatively well, there was an incident with some nutella but other then that pretty straight forward. I weigh in tomorrow and I am trying REALLY hard not to get my hopes up. There is that slightly sickie side of me that would like another 5.5 down weigh in. So not realistic, but the fact that you did it once, makes you want it that much more. You sort of have a reason to hope for it because it did actually happen. At the end of the day I will be happy to be down and that's all I ask for. If I am super truthful I would like to be down at least 2 pounds. That sounds fair. Dear lord just don't let me be same, or gasp, up. I HATE hearing up, or uppish. I hate even more when I know it's coming or when I am surprised. Please don't let tomorrow be an uppish surprise, but a down delight. Only time ever I am actively seeking a downer.

Things are about to get weird

My nutritionist had warned me this week that I am at the juncture of weight loss where it starts to get weird. Hmmm interesting...I can see that though. Emotionally I feel pretty good and not terribly vulnerable. Physically I am feeling pretty good but of course always looking for more improvement. This week I have dressed better to motivate myself. Wearing clothes that fit properly, and I have decided this is the summer of heels. I started this week with my training heels readjusting and man oh man don't I feel good. You do feel a bit more sassy with some wiggle in your walk. I was killing time before an appointment and popped into Sephora. Somehow I had forgotten I had a gift card. How I do not know haha. Anyway I bought a fire engine red lip gloss. Heels check. Fire Engine red check. Full on sassafrass check. I think I feel good not so much because of weight loss though starting Tuesday being 5.5 pounds down was awesome, but because I feel more connected to myself, my goals, and who I want to be. I do want to be a woman who more often then not has a little wiggle in her walk. Anyway I have been inundated with compliments this week and I am at a place where my weight loss is becoming really visible. I am wearing more clothes which fit properly, letting go of certain crutches, shirts below here, and things of that nature and I am just letting go of so many hang ups. I feel a different pride in my appearance. I may not be where I want to be yet but where I am isn't half bad. It is weird to see people's reactions change, but I feel a lot more prepared and ready for that. I have worked so much on my sense of self worth outside of my appearance that compliments about it just do not carry the same weight they once did. I do not feel my sense of self is any longer tied to what number is reflected on a scale and that is completely worth sashaying my way down 5th avenue.

Numbers are ridiculous

You really can only obsess about numbers so much. I went to Marisa on Tuesday thinking I would be down, but not too hopeful about a substantial loss. I lost 5.5 pounds. While tempting to obsess and try to recreate this magic I just can not go down that line of thinking. A valuable lesson I have learned is to look for and place importance on the goals outside the numbers. Sure the goal is always to lose. The underlying goal is always weight loss, but what can not get lost in the mix is this is a for life change not a diet. Diets have ends, and are temporary states, lives are an extended period of time. What I am doing hopefully is for life. I am less then 20 pounds away from the first time I will maintain my weight. This is daunting. Marisa also said you are at a place where it starts to get weird. I am learning who I am and introducing that person to the world at the same time. I said to her in some ways I feel adopted. I don't really know where I come from in a way. I don't know how wide my hips should be, or how big my breasts should be. They have ranged in so many different ways it's anyone's guess what their base state should be. This is freeing and scary. I want to aim for somewhere I am supposed to be, not guess or just say well this seems to be right. I want to know. I simply can not know these things, and even if I did would it matter? Most women I know have fluctuated with out a weight problem. Getting older has brought change, exercising has brought change, and some changes have been totally unexplained. They do not seem too terribly phased by this but seem to accept it's beyond them and move on. In so many ways I have had to move on from what I know and learn knew things from what a healthy serving of fruit is to what width my hips are supposed to be. They aren't supposed to be anything then they actually are.

A Brief History Lesson

So I have talked a lot about myself presently but only really alluded to the past. Where did this all begin. That's a question I would love a tidy one sentence answer to, but as of yet have not been able to find it. My relationship with food got weird at some point very early on in my childhood. I can pinpoint it somewhere between 8-9 years old. It could have been earlier. I do not remember a time I was not preoccupied by food. That's me, but of course my family dynamic always deserves a mention in this place. My Mom and Dad both had/have people on their sides of the family who struggle with their weight, and there the curse of the "fat genes sentence" begins. I think there is some truth in genetics. I mean I would be ridiculous to refute this entirely, but I also think to a certain degree it's crap. I started to chub up a little when I was younger, my mom trying to be responsible starting monitoring my food, and duh duh duhhhhhhh restricting. This was not a good thing, but how was she to know. She also reinforced the idea I was "not normal", because of my family history. Sorry mom but you were kind of wrong here. Everyone has to watch what they eat. No one can just eat what they want without any consequence. It isn't about family history, metabolism, or what have you, but choices. This lesson was never taught to me. It was a quest to dampen my appetite, and be thin. I just don't think my mom really knew how to verbalize her desires for me, or what to do with her worst fear of her kid showing signs of it coming true. I really don't blame her despite how this might come across but what I have learned is how it's all related. My mom did the best she could and god bless her she took me to every specialist, doctor, therapist, guru you name it, she took me to them desperate for any answer, solution, anything. What I do find odd is I binged from a very young age, and this became an unspoken game in my house. The game would be I would sneak things like peanut butter and would take a spoon full up to my room. I couldn't put the spoon in the sink or dishwasher for fear of getting caught but eventually my mom would notice we were down to very few spoons, never mind the rate we were going through the PB. Then I would deny oh no I don't know where your spoons are and the game would be spoons better be returned by sundown. I think my mom was so utterly confused by my behavior and had no idea what to do. Everyone overweight just ate a lot and yo-yo dieted in my family what I was doing was very different. I sort of disagree now with the perception because I think at least 2 other people in my family binged and were emotional eaters, but whatever, neither here nor there. My own father who died at 49 of a heart attack died in denial about his own weight issues, and struggles so denial abounded in my family. I can not speak for them and their food relationships. One of them said to me post gastric bypass she was upset by her inability to soothe herself via food, but acted shock when I expressed a inability to control myself around certain food. Sure, because you get to gastric with eating well and carrot sticks. Snarkiness aside she has her own issues and I have mine. Moving a long I started a long tortuous history with yo-yo dieting, lying to nutritionists, different medicines, praying at night to be normal, and feeling completely totally and utterly disconnected from myself and my body. It wasn't until I was 28 and started researching gastric bypass that I finally had a breakthrough and breakdown. I thought okay I fold I'll have gastric, done. Well in researching gastric an alarm bell went off for me. Lap band was the first thing I pursued, and then a surgeon said to me I can do that but more then likely you will have gastric. Uh oh. It was then I realized gastric is surgery not a lobotomy. I then went into a depression because what I could no longer hide from was I was not happy being fat. I was not the jolly fat girl. I was tired, lonely and not having fun anymore. This helped me finally ask for help. It made me finally say to my mom you do not understand because I don't even understand. It's hard to be extremely overweight and say I am not going to have gastric. Everyone asks well why not. I did not know what my problem was yet, but I knew well enough it was in my head and not in my belly. I explained to my mom my dream was to be able to eat like everyone else in that I could stop when full, create healthy meals for myself, not fear foods, not fear meals, not feel like I did not deserve to eat. Once I unleashed the crazy she started listening. This also lead me to google and I came across my now nutritionist and I could not be happier or more grateful that I did. I am still so thankful that when I finally I said I give and I need help I received it and saw it being available to me. I made the appointment while I still had the nerve and of course went in trying to fool Marisa. In about 40 minutes Marisa had seen through and called me on my BS and while I did not like her in that moment, what I really did not like was myself. Who I had become this collection of misery. She not only helped me lose weight but gave me life back and since then it has been hard but an amazing experience I would not trade for anything. For anyone in the NY area I could not recommend Marisa Sherry at Melainie Rogers Nutrition. They are life savers and the most amazing women you could hope to meet. If you want a safe place where people understand things you don't they are it. Website below. That's the history for now. It's condensed for everyone's benefit.

http://www.mrogersnutrition.com/

A touch crispy

I do not know why but lately I have been struggling to stay connected and to keep moving forward. I feel like I am rebelling in some ways, but I do not have anything to rebel against or to be upset about. Work has been stressful yes, but I think I am hiding behind that excuse as some sort of license to have loosened my grip on my eating. I have not gained weight but I also have not lost it. I am definitely lacking motivation right now. I feel it intellectually. I see the improvements, I feel them but part of me is just so burnt out. I am so over tracking all my intake, making it to the gym 5-7 times a week, constantly thinking about my choices, feelings, and everything in between. It seems like nothing to manage at one point, I was almost on autopilot and losing weight. Now I feel like I have to be hyper aware and it's exhausting. I am exhausted and yet I am far from done, and then there's the whole rest of my life ahead of me issue. I think I am more scared of maintaining then I am really willing to admit and I am really close to the first time I am going to do that. I am at the crossroads in many ways of deciding am I really going to be this person I have been striving to become? Am I really going to commit to eating 3 meals, 2 snacks a day and maintaining a work out regime I can maintain the rest of my life. Am I going to quit the excuses, the it's not that bad, it's Tuesday I have a week to work it off before weigh in. Am I really going to leave this behavior behind. I want to more then anything, but it's not what I know. It's not familiar to me, comfortable or the skin I've been in. It is much easier for me to freak out not examine it and gain weight. I mean who doesn't like to just eat crap and pretend they don't care? It's a lot harder to admit that I do care, that I am worn out from bolstering myself, that I am sad I am not where I want to be yet, that I want to better understand things I don't yet. It's a lot harder to admit them and to not want to run away from them. Today I choose to examine, to not run and to embrace the fear but not be paralyzed by it. I have done so many things I never thought I would do and need to constantly remind myself of that and stay grounded.

I will if you will

Whenever I get the chance I speak very passionately about what I have done and learned on this journey of weight loss, but when I come here to blog I often go blank. I just have so much to say about it I get rendered silent. Many friends, my nutritionist, and so on have urged me to write, to take advantage of my ability to articulate this experience and what I've learned. Of course life gets in the way but I do try. Trying is a tricky thing because it's almost a get out of jail free card in some ways. my trainer once said, trying is a nice way to say no. In many ways it is. I was speaking to a new found friend who has been a super cool positive addition into my life. We share MANY similarities and in some ways we're at different points in our own journey's. She lives a much healthier lifestyle but has made me see how attainable it is. She hasn't struggled with weight gain but other things, but really any struggle has parallels. I really admire her commitment to healthy living, and really like having people like her in my life these days. I do not need much urging to be unhealthy I definitely need healthy living role models. We were discussing some of her own frustrations at life, and I really did not hold back in my opinions on the situation. I urged her to confront her fears, break things down into baby steps and move forward. Concentrate less on the lofty goals and more on the work. These things have been made so brutally clear to me in the last year and a half. When I feel overwhelmed or like I will never get to where I want to be I remember a year and a half ago my new life started with sneakers and a gym membership and now I don't recognize my life. I also think if I can give someone else a stern talking to about just letting go and writing I certainly should be doing it myself. I mean really....So I write today because I need to. It gives me a place to ramble on about all the these things that still seem so surreal to me. It is utterly surreal to me that in the near future I will have a healthy relationship with food, because I have been able to have a healthy relationship with myself. Not easy stuff, but the most rewarding thing I have ever invested in.